Not trying to be mean.

This statement is a direct result to reading something on my sister's blog. Before I rant let me explain that I am not mad at her for anything. I think it's beautiful how she feels about our father. Perhaps if I felt the same open and loving emotions toward that particular parent I wouldn't be so bitter and vindictive.

My father is the one person in this world who has hurt me the most. I am so vehement in my dislike of this man that I have a hard time remembering the good times and fun things we did.
While I condemn him for his selfishness I have to admit that I have the same trait, something else I blame him for.
What was his crime?
For those of you who don't know:
He cheated on my mother while they were married and then left her for another woman.
Just so everyone knows, I think cheating should be a hanging offense. Show some self-control for God's sake!
I can understand that he may have needed to change his life. The leaving of my mother did hurt me, but not as much as him getting a new family.
I understand he didn't plan it, none of my stepsisters or stepbrother are his children by birth. But he left us for some other family.
What? Were they so much better than us? Was I a bad child?
These are the questions that plagued me all throughout my childhood. I always wondered what I had done wrong. He may have said he loved me every time I saw him, but he never showed it in a way my childish brain could comprehend. Maybe the constant love from my mother set the bar too high. I knew she loved me. She never had to say it for me to know, even though she did say it as often as possible.
So I guess his crime is not being there to:
help me with my homework every day,
soothe me when I had a nightmare,
clean up my vomit while waiting on my sick ass,
teach me to drive a stick,
go hungry while I never went without,
do what I want to without having to ask what it is,
etc, etc, etc...
My mother made up for the hole he left as best she could. At least I was cherished by one parent.
I never got that from him and I will never forgive him for it.
Hey, at least I learned how not to treat my kids.
They are not an annoyance or a temporary diversion.
They are the center of my world. And if I believed in God I would thank him every day for the chance to show them how much I love them. I could NEVER live without them. I would cease to exist.

Having the internet is a lot of work.

I blame you, Tobi.
Yes it was you that convinced me to get a Myspace page, and was that good enough?
Of course not.
Now I have two freaking web pages to manage. And might I add that I have NO idea how to work any of this crap. I still haven't figured out everything on Myspace yet.
I bite my thumb at you, oh evil sister. Yes, at you.
Were you standing before me I would say 'have at thee' and we would fight to the death with the star trek music playing in the background.
You know, the one where Spock and Kirk fight for that Vulcan woman.
Yes!
And our children behind us ready to toss us the next weapon should we be disarmed.
In July when you visit we should really consider doing this.
It sounds like fun.